There are many exciting types of relationships and power dynamics. On this occasion, we will introduce you to the Dominant/submissive relationship, more precisely, how to be a Dom.
Within the dynamics of the relationship of dominance and submissiveness, we can talk about roleplay, which includes sex and other activities related to sex, but we can also talk about the daily life of the participants. Of course, as with other relationships and their specific dynamics, consent and established boundaries are required within the D/s relationship.
For this reason, it is important to learn how to be a Dom because there are also toxic examples within the dom/sub relationship. So continue reading our little guide to discover what being a Dominant partner entails (but also a submissive partner if that’s what you’re interested in). And, of course – how to be a Dom.
What Is a Dom
Before we say anything more about how to be a Dom, we need to familiarize ourselves with the term itself and what it actually means.
A Dom is an abbreviated term for Dominant, and it means a man or woman who practices roleplay, characterized by the fact that they are the dominant partner, and their partner or several partners are submissive. The leading roles, in this case, are the dominant partner, who is the one who has responsibility, is in charge, dictates the dynamics, and leads the roleplay relationship, while the submissive partner is the one who serves, follows the Dom, and has a lower status in that relationship. With all of the above, both participating parties enjoy and voluntarily agree to this type of relationship.
Additionally, we can familiarize ourselves with the terminology within the Dom/sub relationship, that is, the D/s relationship, as it is often abbreviated.
- The dominant partner is called Dom or Domme (if female), and sometimes only the letter D or the word Dominant is used. His titles or other names are often Sir, Daddy, or Master (if it is a male), which is an important part of how to be a Dom.
- The submissive partner is denoted by the lowercase letter s or the word sub. The lowercase and uppercase letters indicate the actual power dynamics and status within the D/s relationship.
What Are the Responsibilities of a Dominant?
Apart from the fact that Dom has the opportunity to explore all his fantasies and absolutely enjoy them, it is essential to mention that how to be a Dom includes, first of all, responsibility. Dominance over your partner in a D/s relationship means that you are in charge, which refers to their well-being.
- Respecting boundaries: As part of the power you get, if you are interested in how to be a Dom, you have different responsibilities; first of all, respecting the boundaries of the submissive partner. The Dom should become familiar with the submissive partner’s boundaries and respect them within D/s play. It is a healthy way of practicing a power relationship; both partners must agree on what they want to do and are comfortable with. This agreement must be made before the beginning of sexual activities, as well as other everyday activities.
- Having a safeword: In every BDSM relationship and scene, there is a generally established safeword, and so it is in this one. It refers to the interruption of play when one of the partners feels that they are approaching the limits and do not want to cross them. A safeword is a word that signals the need to take a break. This is one of the healthy ways how to be a Dom. There can be two safewords, one a sign for a total stop and the other indicating a change in the direction of play.
- Provide safety supplies: D/s relationship is, like other BDSM ways of enjoyment, often characterized by the fact that it is extremely intense – more than ordinary sexual activities. That is why the Dom must provide everything necessary in case of accidents, injuries, and the like. Your mandatory valuable items include scissors (if it is necessary to cut ropes as part of bondage play), plasters, bandages, rags, and also keys for locks if you use cuffs. This also includes the fact that you should be aware of the health condition of the submissive partner if you need to provide medicines or even some urgent medical interventions.
- Occasional partner check-in: Like a good Dom, you can occasionally communicate with your partner within the session without coming out of the dominant character. Remember that it is vital that both parties enjoy the D/s relationship, so it is necessary to monitor whether your partner is comfortable during play.
Types of Domes
When we talk about how to be a Dom, it is essential to know that there are many types of Dom, and these are some of them:
- Daddy Dom: This Dom type shows caregiver traits, which are gentler and softer tendencies within a D/s relationship. It is most often a role model, a father figure, or someone who guides a submissive partner, or in this case Little Girl (another name for a submissive partner). Rules in this type of relationship can be limited time on the mobile phone, set bedtime, etc.
- Romantic Dom: Romantic Dom is also a type of Caregiver Dom that behaves similarly to Daddy Dom. There is nurturing of the sub, help in achieving goals, and he can make choices about some things in her life, such as what clothes the partner wears or the food she eats.
- Owner Dom: In this type of Dom, the use of collars is popular. The submissive partner in pet play can eat food from a bowl on the floor, sleep in a cage, etc.
- Master Dom: This type of Dom is paired with a slave partner or a partner that provides different services. The power dynamic is such that the Dom treats the sub as property and determines what to wear and the like. The sub performs duties, cooks, or is a sex toy for the Master. There can be slave training as well.
- Sadist Dom: This type of Dom enjoys the following activities: bondage, spanking, whipping, and similar, where the pain is inflicted on the sub. The submissive partner is called a masochist here or a pain slut. Also, offensive words can be used during punishment, sex, or daily activities.
- Rigger Dom: Bondage is represented here. The dominant partner is attracted to tying up the submissive, or they simply like nice ropework.
- Financial Dom: This power relationship is about the Dom controlling their submissive partner’s money.
Many D/s roleplay activities do not involve sexual activities, but they usually can, which is critical to know if you want to find out how to be a Dom. The Dom types can also be combined to create a unique kind, and that’s how everything is spiced up and many new dynamics are discovered.
How To Be a Good Dom
If a D/S relationship attracts you and you want to know how to be a Dom, the most important thing is understanding how to be – a good Dom.
Ask the questions
The first item on our how to be a Dom list regarding the correct way to practice power dynamics is getting to know the submissive partner and her desires. This includes various fetishes and fantasies. You can find out if the sub is more into hard scenes, emotional degradation, or other kinks.
In order to satisfy your sub, you need to communicate about what she wants most. In this way, you can see how well your desires match and how you can combine them in the best way within BDSM.
Understand the psychology
Many people see BDSM as taboo because they don’t understand the psychology behind the various kinks. That’s why it’s vital that your knowledge of how to be a Dom also includes that.
For example, it is often thought that submissive partners are weak, but in fact, they are stubborn, so they want to surrender to a partner they trust. Also, when it comes to masochists in BDSM, they don’t hate themselves as you think. Masochism attracts them because they like the effect of pain and getting high from it.
Stick to the core principles
Learning how to be a Dom cannot go well without basic principles. Certain philosophies within BDSM practice are also important for a D/s relationship:
- RACK: This principle stands for Risk Aware Consensual Kink. Within these practices, there are possibilities for injuries and bruises, often in the context of choking, bondage, or hard sex. This abbreviation refers to the fact that it is necessary to be aware of the danger and to have consent.
- SSC: This is an abbreviation for Safe, Sane and Consensual, and it represents a milder version of the RACK philosophy, where the tendency is to practice safer activities. If you are a Dom, that is just at the beginning; this philosophy can guide you and later move on to more risky activities.
Figure out what you want as a dom
When you think about how to be a Dom, you should also think about what you want in that position and, above all, what you are like. You should be authentic and know yourself to have full responsibility for someone’s submissiveness, in this case, your partner or several partners.
Decide whether you are a sadist or not, since being a Dom and sadism do not necessarily go together, also, whether you are monogamous or polygamous, etc. There are many expectations, but you need to be who you are so that you don’t feel shame and guilt and so that you are in charge in the right way.
Improve your communication skills
How to be a Dom also includes learning communication skills. In a D/s relationship, it is essential to be a good Dom, and you need to work on it to be more and more successful. There are several ways to go about it:
- Honesty: Be honest even though it’s not always easy. This is crucial for your submissive partner to trust you. Tell the truth and talk about your desires, feelings, and everything that makes you uncomfortable.
- Check-in with your partner: Power relations can be put aside sometimes, especially if it’s an honest conversation. Being equal in the conversation about your dom/sub relationship is necessary.
- Listen to your partner: It is important to really hear what your submissive partner is saying in order to understand each other better. Don’t react angrily, and acknowledge their feelings. This will lead to a compromise. Also, do not judge your partner when it comes to topics of a sexual nature.
Get familiar with your tools
Another critical part of the lesson about being a Dom is familiarizing yourself with your tools.
In a D/s relationship, you and your partner will come across many props and sex toys. This includes vibrators, masks, spanking paddles, blindfolds, handcuffs, riding crops, and more. Regardless of which sex toys you decide on, find out how they work, as well as what kind of sensations they provide so that you don’t hurt your submissive partner beyond the established limits. It is especially recommended to start with soft sessions and then move on to some hardcore ones.
Become a sex god
Many BDSM activities involve sex, although this does not have to be the rule. If your version of how to be a Dom includes this component, it is important to know how to make it a space of your absolute dominance.
Developing the mental and physical aspects of dominance in the bedroom is necessary. With techniques you can learn, such as spanking, hair pulling, and other sexual activities, you need your submissive partner to trust you and be turned on mentally.
Some of the BDSM sessions are known to be very intense, both physically and mentally. That’s why you must remember that aftercare is critical within the framework of how to be a Dom. This is a healthy way to end the sexual act and to make both participants feel comfortable. This includes cuddles, kissing, and discussion about the session to maintain the partner’s general well-being.
Healthy vs. Toxic Dominant Behaviors
In this type of relationship, there is a power dynamic that both partners agree to. This means that there is a predetermined difference in the power of the partners, which further points to the fact that there is also an agreement to stop the play – with a previously designed safeword. If Dom forces the submissive to do something, it is not within the rules of roleplay but is actually abuse – if it is against the will of the submissive partner. That’s what it’s all about when we talk about how to be a Dom.
A healthy dom/sub relationship must not contain feelings of selfishness or egocentrism. We have already mentioned some of the healthy Dom behaviors, but it is also necessary to say something about toxic Dom behaviors.
Within the D/s relationship, certain red flags should not be practiced. This includes the following:
- Ownership that exceeds the limits that have been established
- Too much control over the submissive partner’s life, about which there was no agreement or consent
- The idea that the sub should be ultimately defeated or broken
- Unprecedented humiliation, insulting words, or behavior
- Mood changes during play that are unexpected and potentially dangerous
- The impossibility of apologizing if a line is crossed
How To Be More Dominant
The main thing in the story of how to be a Dom is how to be more dominant. This can be achieved in several ways, and these are some of them:
- Body language, speech, and attitude should be in control and powerful
- You should be fit, take care of hygiene, dress well and be dexterous
- Good body position, upright and possibly taller than your sub
- Confidence and directness in communication are a bonus, not in the form of orders but in the form of determination
Dominant vs. Submissive
As we have already mentioned, there is a difference between how to be a Dom and how to be a sub. The main difference is that the submissive partner has a lower status than the dominant one.
If you have already determined that you are interested in how to be a Dom, we can talk about dominance motivation.
The dom can dominate by promising a reward or threatening punishment. Also, denial plays a vital role in the punishment of the submissive. What you decide for yourself depends on what pleases your partner, but your wishes must also be harmonized. The reward to your sub can often be sexual, but it doesn’t have to be; it can be just a touch, freedom, movement, or even you. It can also be words of praise, food, or maybe a gift.
When it comes to fantasies and motives of submissive partners, we can talk about:
- A fantasy based on shame or stigma
- Objectification: includes both sexual and non-sexual acts
- Motivation in the form of services: this type of submissive partner wants validation from their doms and wants to make them happy.
- Brat: this type of sub wants tension for certain reasons
How To Train a Sub
Another aspect of how to be a Dom is the training of your submissive partner. This practice is otherwise called slave training or training a sub.
Doms need to have training sessions for their subs to establish rules and protocols. In this way, a routine is created in the relationship, and the submissive partner is shaped to be the best possible partner. Of course, the reward is a mandatory part of the training.
There are also certain mistakes in practicing this type of relationship, which is essential to know if you want to discover how to be a Dom.
The most common mistakes that doms make are:
- The need to be perfect
- The raised tone in communication
- Too much seriousness in the play
- Forcing the partner to do something
- Poor communication
- Absence of apology
- Too high expectations
We have already concluded that the D/S relationship is such that both parties should have consent and agree with the actions and play dynamics.
A healthy BDSM relationship is based on an exchange of power and agreement that includes consent as well as safewords. It is not always possible to practice everything seen in mainstream pornography, which seems like a good idea, so it is necessary to discuss and determine what is a good decision and what is potentially harmful or dangerous. It is important to remember that the desires and fantasies of both sides are equally important, without selfishness.
Many people enjoy power relationships in their sex life, whether dominant or submissive, whether with one partner or multiple partners. The Dom/sub relationship allows them to explore all their fantasies, not only in the bedroom but also in everyday life. Whether you are interested in how to be a Dom or sub, one thing is sure – this is one of the ways to experience great satisfaction and fulfill your biggest dreams.